Women should decentre men

I’ve had countless conversations about decentring men, and often I’ve seen that we hop on these trends not fully knowing – or then actually grasping – the concept of what is being discussed.

A perfect example is the “men are trash” discourse.

Are all men actually trash?

No. Not all men.

However, I believe women have encountered enough horrible men in their lives to justify this unfortunate generalisation. If a man knows he is not horrible, why should the “men are trash” statement offend him?

Let’s talk about decentring men. 

What does this actually mean? 

Although Michael S. Kimmel appears to have used the phrase “decentering men” as early as 1992, he used it to argue that scholars should study men as gendered social actors rather than assuming that men’s experiences represent a universal human experience. In 2019, however, Sherese “Charlie” Taylor reconfigured the phrase into a contemporary feminist framework and self-help practice. According to her, the concept of “decentring men” refers to prioritising your own needs and happiness as a woman, and unlearning the societal conditioning that encourages women to alter their appearance, behaviour, and desires to accommodate men and prioritise male comfort and ego.

Decentring men does not mean you should hate men, or should you spit in their faces when they speak – it just means that men are no longer the primary audience of our existence as women. To put it in simpler terms, decentring men is putting your needs above the needs of a man.

So, what does it mean to centre a man?

To centre a man is making a man the centre of your universe, making sure that his needs and wants are well taken care of, even if it’s at the expense of your happiness.

As women, we are allowed to love and respect men, but we must still understand that we should not centre ourselves around them. We are encouraged to have healthy relationships with our partners. Loving and supporting your partner is fundamentally important, but when it's just to feel like a chore or when you start losing your sense of identity just to make him happy, that is not healthy. We shouldn't have to shrink ourselves in order to be loved or accepted as women.

Think about all the sacrifices you have made for a man: if roles were reversed, do you think your husband would put his career above yours?

Do you think your boyfriend would abandon his friends in order to accommodate your feelings?

Again, it’s okay to be a helpful woman, and it’s okay to be a caring woman, but what is not okay is taking from your own needs to make your man happy.

You need to ask yourself,  would he do this for me?

If you have doubts and need to convince yourself, you already know the answer.

Most times, I have observed that male-centred women know when they are being mistreated, however, they would then try to convince themselves that's not the case.

You shouldn’t have to spread yourself thin to make a man happy.

Do what you can, and if he is not happy with that, it’s okay to set your boundaries. A man who truly wants to be in your life will respect them and make the effort to adjust; if he fails to do so, it may be a sign that he was never meant to be part of your life.

A  well-behaved woman and a male-centred woman are not the same thing – the difference often becomes clear when you're sacrificing your own needs and doing much more than is reasonably expected in order to gain approval or avoid disappointing men.

You don't have to solely cook, clean, and take care of the kids, while he sits on the couch doing absolutely nothing just because he is the “man of the house”. Traditional gender norms often encourage women to show love and care through cooking, cleaning, and other household tasks: there's nothing wrong with expressing affection that way, but it becomes a problem when those responsibilities fall entirely on women, every day. When that happens, some men may start to view this labour as something they're entitled to rather than something to appreciate. Domestic work should be recognised and valued, and the responsibility for it should be shared. Learn to share the responsibilities, because you, too, are deserving of some time to rest.

As we learn to decentre men, note this: you are not being selfish or inconsiderate.

A common misconception when we talk about decentring men is that often people think we are talking about men we are romantically involved with, and while that is true, women need to decentre all the problematic men in their lives: their brothers, uncles, nephews, sons, and fathers, too. As a woman, you do not have to pursue a career in medicine, law, or any other field solely for the purpose of pleasing your father. Your life and your choices belong to you.

Likewise, being an older sister does not mean you are responsible for taking care of your brothers when they are fully capable of caring for themselves. You are not obligated to cook for them, help them financially, or constantly step in to solve their problems.

When you consistently take on responsibilities that belong to men, it can foster dependency rather than independence.

Over time, these men may come to expect your help because they know you'll always be there to rescue them, even when they are capable of handling things on their own. You need to remember that you are your own individual before you are a daughter and a sister.

I’ve seen women laugh at sexist jokes just because they are in the presence of men.

When women centre their lives around men, they can unintentionally create distance between themselves and other women, often seeking male approval at the expense of female connection, solidarity, and community. These everyday experiences reveal just how deeply women are conditioned to prioritise men's comfort, often at the cost of their own boundaries, self-respect, and dignity.

I’d often hear some women say, “I’d rather hang out with guys; they are less problematic.” I often wonder: when the guy friends of those very women degrade and insult women, do those women think they are the exception? I wonder why these women are terrified to call out men?

Because of this, some male-centred women distance themselves from other women to seek validation or a sense of belonging from men. They laugh at misogynistic jokes, call other women “dramatic” or “problematic”, and convince themselves they are different.

Society is evolving and progressing.

Women may have been liberated politically.

And although women can now get into career fields that were once solely reserved for men, somehow, mentally, women are still trapped in the mindset of men being at the centre of their lives.

Therefore, when you decentre men, you should begin to ask yourself what you want outside of being someone’s wife, mother, girlfriend, or the woman a man chooses.

Or do you want to be liberated in theory only, or do you actually want to practise it, live it?

Does getting married and becoming a mother mean that you, as a woman, are living a fulfilling life?

While those things can add to a fulfilled life, your life shouldn't feel like it's not fulfilled without them.

Who were you before you became someone's wife, mother, girlfriend?

What does that woman want for herself?

What are her dreams and aspirations?

If you have answers to those questions, then you have an idea of what your version of a fulfilled life is.

Most women are conditioned to value marriage, the good husband and the perfect family. Men are brought up to value their careers, passions, and hobbies. 

Why can't you do the same? 

Decentring men teaches young women to strive for something bigger than marriage. This way of thinking frees women from the mindset of seeing marriage as the sole greatest achievement in life.

It can be difficult to unlearn something that has been ingrained in you since you were a child. As girls, we're exposed from an early age to the idea that men are the centre of our lives, often before we're old enough to question it. We see it in the stories we're raised on: the "true love's kiss" in Disney movies: Ariel changing who she is to be with a man, and Belle teaching us that “love” can fix a troubled, aggressive man. These stories teach girls to shrink, save, fix, forgive, and endure for love, even when love requires them to abandon parts of themselves. Over time, these messages subtly shape the belief that women’s worth and happiness are connected to attracting, pleasing, or saving men.

If only we could unlearn what we have been taught about love and men as children, we would surely be centred around ourselves instead, not around men. Children learn by watching the adults around them. Your daughter needs to see what an independent, confident, and empowered woman looks like. Your son needs to learn to respect women as equals, not to expect them to revolve around his needs or desires.

If you are not empowered yourself, how can you teach empowerment to your daughters, nieces, or sisters? 

If your son grows up watching you constantly sacrifice your own needs and submit to every demand of your partner, what lessons is he learning about relationships, respect, and the role of women in society?

The example you set every day shapes the beliefs and expectations that the next generation will carry into adulthood.

Remember, decentring men is not a hate campaign against men; it’s an empowering movement for women. Women are encouraged to value themselves, put their well-being first, and communicate their boundaries assertively and unapologetically in their relationships with men. This does not make women superior to men. It just simply promotes a relationship built on equal footing where both people value, respect and constantly chooses one another instead of one person carrying the burden of the relationship.

As you learn to decenter men, keep in mind that you are not doing it just for you; you are doing it for your daughters and your granddaughters. 

You are doing it so that the next generation of women can be free.